The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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