I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
