the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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