in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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