I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
