one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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