The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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