Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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