if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize