better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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