I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
