I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i now understand why vodka
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
