drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize