Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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