i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
