sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
