does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
