she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
