thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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