A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
