So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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