Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
