i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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