wrigley field is MILF paradise
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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