Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
