apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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