he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
