I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
