Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
