I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
love makes seman taste better
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
