So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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