i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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