I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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