My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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