If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
