So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
