I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
