You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
