just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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