Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
