are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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