this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize