She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
