White coat. Heels.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
