You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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