I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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