I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
