I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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