i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize