i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think my moral compass just broke
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
