I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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