I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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