Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
