the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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