the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize