Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
