I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i think i have two assholes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
