Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
