Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you have feelings for this penis?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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