woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
