my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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