I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
