he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
