You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
