I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
