Is it because I queefed?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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